Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Bellalove's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, October 23rd, 2008
2:54 pm	Fall Yes, this is the season of transition into, for a better word, death. Something I am now facing in my life. My mother is dying. It's hard to write, I've been avoiding this post, it's just too weird to admit. The cancer has won, my mother is tired, and she is now waiting to die. It's been a long time coming. Although I never really expected it to end. It had just become a part of our lives. But now it has taken so much away, that the fighting must now stop. There is a point where you realize you just can't keep on fighting. My mother is there, and we support her in this decision. The weird thing is that some days she seems fine. She is now in the Hospice program and they are working to keep her pain free, so that the rest of her life is well, quality. It is so hard to see your mother in pain. And to hear the lucid thoughts disappear. So now we just wait. Don't know if it will be swift or long. Limbo, I guess. And now her cat, the loyalist animal of the bunch is in the hospital. Seriously? Yes. I just am so grateful for my little family. My child brings me so much joy. The husband makes me smile too;) (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 2nd, 2008
4:45 pm	Happy Birthday to D! It's his day. 1 year. Wow. Really wow. I keep thinking back on what the day(or in my case) 2 days were like. I remember all of the details, but the pain has been wiped from my brain. Mother nature is a smart one;) We went to a small kids zoo in Brooklyn today. He loved the Meer Cats and the Sea Lions. It is so fun to rediscover things with your child. And honestly, it is just the beginning. He will have his first cupcake tonight. His abuelita made them for him. Then a party on Saturday. A party for us as a family. He is a bit too young to get the birthday thing. And he doesn't need more toys at this point. So I think a first year celebration is in order. Saw Echo and the Bunnymen last night at Radio City. It was fun, I've forgotten all of the songs I knew and liked. Then we took a Pedicab. Fun! We REALLY appreciate our date nights, since they are so infrequent. I think we will be having more since he is comfortable with others putting him to bed now. I love our kid:) Will post a pic soon.... (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 18th, 2008
3:28 pm	It's been forever !!! So I feel I am really getting in my stride lately. I have figured out the scheduling thing. I.e how IMPORTANT it is to schedule my days to get the most out of them. I have always been a live by the seat of my pants girl, but now that I am a mom, I had to change that so that I could actually function besides being a mom. It's not easy, but it's been almost a year and things are smoothing out. Yes, D is almost 1! I can't quite believe it, but to see what he can do, you have to believe it is at least that. He is on the verge of walking. All he wants to do is walk around the room, now using furniture or wall. Today he was showing me he really only needs one hand, for balance, so soon things will change big time. I am finally going to the gym. It took a lot to get me focusing on myself a bit. We go to a gym with daycare of course. The first time I took him was bad. He cried and cried, which he NEVER does. SO I thought I was doomed. But I took him back again, and he seems to be better with it. He doesn't like lots of new people coming in, but we go at a time where it is dead, so it works. So I am getting there 5 times a week. Well, I did last week, this week has been a bit trickier with annoying stuff that had to get done, but I will be keeping to it as much as humanly possible. And now is one of those times. I will try and communicate a bit more. Promise:) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, June 30th, 2008
10:13 am	An organized Consumer This is now my job. I never realized it until recently that this comes with the job of mom. Not only do you consume, but you have to be seriously organized about it. No messing around, you have to know what you want, know how and where to get it, and for the best price. Now when I was childless, it was much easier. I had time on my side. I now have little time. I really can only get out for about 3 hours max during the day, so it has to be a very organized 3 hours. I've NEVER been that organized. I get anxiety about it and then when I try to get organized I feel like I'm worse off than before. I would be so much happier just being with Dunc and paying someone to do the home stuff. This is the only part I just get depressed about, is keeping on top of the ToDo's of our lives and home. Boring Example List - Shopping for Extended Warranty for New Used Car Figuring out my video camera so I can make a video for mom's B-day Sending back/e-mailing about incorrect online purchases Returning stuff to 3 different stores Shifting winter clothes to storage Tearing out scary nasty stair carpet and replacing it so my clients aren't so frightened when the enter my house Looking for the right sized outdoor table to match the chairs I already have Finishing my "coupon/gift card" file And the list goes on. Forver. I get anxiety thinking about the permenance of it. Dunc is so close to be completely mobile that it makes it even harder to do things when he is awake. I remember the days of laying him on his back and not worrying about him going anywhere, well, those days are gone forever, and I got to get in shape for the chase;) We are also consolidating Dunc'e naps, this has been hard cuz our baby likes to sleep, and usually on a specific schedule that he created. Now he has been wavering between 3/2 naps. So we are helping him consolidate those naps, but because his little biorhythems are use to a different time he is hard to keep up and then after we get him down he wakes up mid-nap, so I must drop what I am doing to rock him back to sleep. It's a waiting game to see how long it will take to actually well- take. He is starting to sleep through the nights more often, which is lovely. He has been waking a bit, but putting himself back to sleep,yipee! So far, no crying it out for Dunc. Yeah! Now I am looking forward to the travel packing. Yeah! Getting there! Boo! The packing and the traveling part;) (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, June 23rd, 2008
9:58 am	The Cure to being a mom There is none. It changes you in the most interesting ways. We finally got out together on Saturday. We had bought tickets to see the Cure at Radio City before Dunk was born, and at that time I thought - no biggie. We'll it was. I just have no desire to leave my baby. I want to take him everywhere with me. Plus, I might be a little reluctant to leave him with others, especially if they have to get him down for the night. It's a process. Babies have to be taught to go to sleep on their own, and we have taken the harder path in this process, considering at this point I can't let him cry it out. So we are a small minority in the pool of parenting. Our babysitters are friends who have a 1.5 yr old. She is bouncing off the walls at all times. So the whole family was suppose to come over and watch him, because we have done same for them. Well, the sometimes impatient husband arrives without his wife and with his kid! I was floored. This was the worse case scenario. How are you going to get my child to sleep with a screaming child running around? (I said it nicer;) "Don't worry, we will make it work." Don't worry! It's my job as a mom to worry. Especially when I know that it could be a nightmare getting him down with a 1.5 distraction. So I stalled until D was tired and put him down myself. Sean shoved a large Rum and Coke in my hand and we raced to the train,then spent the big bucks on a cab to get there on time. It was worth it, knowing that all our sitter had to do was stick around while D slept. We got to the concert just in time. S checking his phone every few minutes for sitter messages. I was feeling good, cuz I now had little to worry about and could be myself for awhile, a self that wasn't just a mom. The concert was good. Too many new songs and not enough Diseintegration, but still fun and I busted out the goth dance for quite awhile. But the mom thing lingered. As I listened to the lyrics I heard them for the first time as a mom. Not as them relating to me, but my son. I thought about the upcoming loves and heartaches he will encounter.I thought about how scary the spiderman song would be to him. I imagined him with big ratted hair and smeared lipstick. Weird. Being a mom has really brought me to a different place, and honestly I look forward to being present in it daily and in the future. Speaking of...naptime is over:) (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 12th, 2008
3:40 pm	PDX here we come! We are going to be flying into Seattle on July 8th and will drive down to PDX on that eve. We will be in P'o'land through Sunday the 13th. Can't wait! (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 8th, 2008
9:47 am	Feliz Cumpleanos! So today I get a sweet gift from my hubby. It's what I wanted - a GC from Anthropology, a very overpriced but cool clothing store. The gift card/GC card comes in this; -a gift bag with tissue paper - a wrapped box with ribbon and another card/tag - a thick paper triple folded sleeve. Tell me, why all of the packaging? Yes it's cute, but seriously? This has become my pet peeve as of late. Packaging. Everything has way too much of it! Now I do think that we should be forced to supply our own packaging, especially reusable bags. Now some people say" What about our freedom? We shouldn't be forced to do anything!" Bullshit. Are we not suppose to be fined if we litter? Well, basically that is what we are doing. Organized litter. It's "out of sight out of mind" littering. Plus really, I'm so sick of the "my freedoms" cry. It's not freedom we are talking about. It's lazy convenience. No one is going to be physically harmed if they don't bring their own bags to the store. They will just look like idiots trying to get all of that stuff home with just 2 hands:) Yes, I'm 34. And I'm not cranky, really;) (12 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 19th, 2008
12:37 pm	Teething SUCKS! Probably more for him than us, but damn! He is getting 4 in at once and has been feverish and up many more times at night. Last night I think I might have gotten 2 hours sleep, if I'm lucky;) We have new loud neighbors. The old lady beats us again with her new tenants. They like death rock. New sleep deprived parents and loud death rock do not mix. We got a car. Not as exciting as a new Prius. We were priced out by demand. So we decided to save and buy an 05 Vibe. It's nice, good gas mileage etc. (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 6th, 2008
3:52 pm	Mama It's official! The D man acknowledged me via word recognition. He called me Ma Ma. It was one of the greatest moments of my life. I was rocking him back to sleep at 5am, and out of the blue and out of the quiet, I hear it. Very gentle and deliberate, "ma ma". I melted. I literally had the hardest time believing it until S confirmed later that morning he had said it again, while pulling on his shirt. It makes a the not so pleasant things dissolve away. :) (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, April 28th, 2008
12:22 pm	Suck Our 11 year old jeep was stolen last night. Probably while I was puking my guts up from food poisoning. Waiting for the 3rd;) (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 17th, 2008
2:16 pm	What? I just told my husband to "Bollywood his ass off". I would love for him to be in a Bolly flick. It's where he is going to audition for now. Hee. Hee. (7 Comments |Comment on this)
10:38 am	I'm back! kind of... Back from my trip to California. It was as I guessed, Difficult. In all senses of the word. Difficult to see my mother so feeble, difficult to deal with both of them and difficult to throw a baby into the mix. Luckily S was there for the first week, then my friend Jenni came out for 3 days at the end to help with the Big D. I have very mixed emotions about the trip, and it has manifested itself as a nasty cold/flu. We fought, of course. I feel bad about it, but it gets really hard to completely give over to every comment and demand. I am no Dalai Lama I have come to realize. I should have been a bit more accepting. It's really hard on them. The fact my mother can't walk on her own and will she? This will change their entire lives if she can't. And even if she does, will it just come back to do it over again. They both said to me they were not sure they could handle this again. I don't blame them. But what do you do. My Dad has always told me he would want his trusty handgun near by. Yes, shocking, but in my family, I wouldn't be surprised. My mother spends her days in bed. She does nothing but listen to Rush and watch TV. I tried to get her back into doing crafty things. She use to love that. It didn't work and ended up getting us all in a fight. Well, a fight would of happened. I realize my family lives on a higher level of drama than others, fights are inevitable. I cooked healthy meals for dinner. Although they were eaten, no changes will be made. I modified her exercise routine as asked, sinceI have a bit more knowledge about the muscles than my father, and showed it to him. But his routine is still in tact. I tried to help. I tried to create change. I really feel things need to change to make difference. But they are unwilling. I think the only thing I did that worked was wait on her. A woman that use to have control of everything, now, needing very specific things to eat, including very specific ways they are to be made. They have a woman who comes out to wait on her. This is what she does, same thing, same foods every day. This is not a life to be lived. But I guess it is the life they choose to live at this point. It's hard preparing yourself for the loss of a parent. It might happen tomorrow or ten years from now. It sucks. (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 26th, 2008
5:41 pm	Nanny Diaries here I come... So I've done it. We've hired a person to come in once a week. She will clean and watch D. I will have some freedom. I love being his caregiver but I literally cannot get anything done and by the time we put him down at night all I can do is look at the box with pretty flashing pictures for a few hours before I hit the sheets. It took me a while to admit needing help, but this will help me just have time to do things I need to do and even some things I want to do. Yeah, it's not cheap, but it's worth my sanity. For now anyways. It's so weird giving all of your time to taking some of it back. Happy Mommy, Happy Baby. (12 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 19th, 2008
2:45 pm	Cabin Fever I always feel pretty anxious this time of year. The weather is wet and cold with a few days that just reach tolerable (50's). But with a babe it is even worse. Being outside and out and about is so much easier when it is warm, less to haul, walks etc. I'm just chomping at the bit for warm weather. Plus I can't wait for him to experience his first Spring - the flowers coming up, laying in the grass, zoo trip etc. Etc. In other news we are sleeping less. Dunk is waking up several times now, and it's really hard going from good sleep patterns to bad. I know he is not doing it on purpose, teething, new foods in his system and temp changes are all good reasons to wake. We are just a lot less patient in the middle of the night. I usually need 8 hours. Have gotten use to 5-6, but 3-4 just doesn't cut it. It is still ALL worth it when I see his smiling face in the morning. I love that kid:) (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, March 17th, 2008
9:31 am	Ehhh? S brings The Dunk in the other morning as proud as can be. "He picked a friend, he kept looking at Ernie so I brought him closer, he snatched him right up". (a glimmer in S's eyes.) Then he adds "I"m so glad he didn't chose Bert or Big Bird!" ???? (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, March 10th, 2008
12:06 pm	Water! I am so pissed off about the new findings of water! Are you kidding. We are drinking peoples medications. And they are saying there is no evidence that it is harmful. Well, yeah. It could take years and years to find evidence, i.e. a whole generation of kids growing 2 heads. By then, it's too late. I hate how irresponsible we as people (in general) are. (12 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, February 23rd, 2008
2:41 pm	Bragging Rights! For those of you parents out there - 2, including my other half... I have some amazing news. Both milestones in one day. The official Big D "rollover" and the first cutting of a tooth. To the rest of you, this may seem trivial, but I assure you at 4.5 months it is not. I'm pretty proud;) Go ahead, hurl if you must. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, February 18th, 2008
9:49 am	Back pain I've been wondering when it would hit. And it did. Hard. I decided to start a regular morning Yoga routine on Friday during D's morning nap. My first attempt to get back into shape. So of course, after my small fifteen minute session, I pull something. So for the past 3 days I have been trying to rid myself of this crippling back/neck pain. It's probably not getting better because I lug around a very active 17 lb. child all day. Yesterday I went to an Ayurvedic Spa from a friends recommendation. Thinking this would really help me. This massage therapist sucked! I was worried she was going to hurt me. I'm worried she will hurt my friend. Can't really say anything I think, without seeming picky. The best massage I've had in a long time was out in P land as a birthday gift from good friends. I feel like here it is much more about being a paycheck, than caring about the work. Maybe that is why I have a good client following. Gotta go pick up the potato sack;) (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, February 11th, 2008
12:06 pm	Christ hit my child! I was walking into the living area and a small crucifix that S had put above the door, came down and hit my child on the head. Zoinks!? (4 Comments |Comment on this)
8:54 am	Virgin GIANT Baby toenails for Sale First harvest baby toenails for all your spells and brews. Most likely of GIANT ancestry. 5.99$ per cut (plus Shipping & Handling(24.95$)) About the product - Baby toenails are often used as an aphrodisiac for small black squirrels and meandering pelicans. Alternate uses are for the proper harvesting of earwax and belly button lint. Baby toenails are rarer than baby fingernails, which grow at a rate of 100 times the amount of the slow growing/ripening toenails. Baby toenails are 100% organic. No tread ever guarantee. **Has been used on a body in conjunction with baby socks. Remnants of socks may still be present. (3 Comments |Comment on this)